Out with the old
What does the new year mean to you?
Last year at this time my entire life was on hold. I was waiting to see what would happen, how it would happen...if I was strong enough to get through it. I can still feel the terror of court dates, lawyer appointments, laying out my inner life workings, my kids lives, my ingrained motherly instincts and the constant external feed of 'let it go'. Through all of the dates and appearances, little pieces of hope glimmered silently in the oddest places. The way I stumbled into my current house is truly an act of God.
I have done every single thing on my 2012 list. It wasn't easy. A lot of times I had to cry into my pillow at night. Am I screwing up my kids, should I have tried one more time, could things really change? And what I have come to conclude is this.....no. My kids are crazy, funny, healthy and HAPPY. Not just with me, but with their father. He does not parent like me. He does not do things like I think he should BUT he does the best he can. We could have tried one more time for a hundred times and nothing would change. How do I know this? Because some things are still very much the same. They just aren't my problems anymore.
The biggest regret I have from this past year is any wallowing in sorrow I may have done. My life is a reflection of my choices. I know my life could be very very different today. I am thankful for where I am. I have three connections to young children with cancer this year. I see the ups and downs and it breaks my heart. I {pray} I will never know how the families continue to not only live their lives, but excel and support and help others around them. A common thread of all three families? They all trust and have a belief in God.
Over the past year, many friends have offered support, listened, agreed and disagreed with me. Some days the brutal honestly was just what I needed to keep going. There were many parts of my life I was not happy with. But I didn't feel like I could change them. IF blah blah blah happened, I would be okay, BUT blah blah blah MUST happen first or it isn't worth my time trying anything different because it won't.matter.anyway.
Yeah.
I really thought this.
Truth is, if you are really unhappy about something, you have to change it. Even changing your own behavior when you think someone else is causing your issue. The only thing you truly have control over is you. Letting someone else suck your soul out of you everyday sounds like a terrible way to spend your life. When I removed my head from my bum, it affected people around me. Some in better ways than others. But the ones that matter are still here! Life is too short to waste it being a grumpy butt. :D
So, looking at 2013....I want to regain my runners body. It is NOT easy to do with three kiddos, but I know I can do it, because it is important to me and to them. A healthy mom is a good thing. Financially, I want to be better educated this year. I've surprised myself this year and I hope to continue to improve! In the midst of the 'd' I have fallen away from my church. My kids attend parochial school and I have tried to attend more school Masses this past year. I want to be comfortable at all Masses again.
Doesn't seem very challenging, does it? I guess we shall see!
HAPPY 2013 EVERY ONE!!!
Last year at this time my entire life was on hold. I was waiting to see what would happen, how it would happen...if I was strong enough to get through it. I can still feel the terror of court dates, lawyer appointments, laying out my inner life workings, my kids lives, my ingrained motherly instincts and the constant external feed of 'let it go'. Through all of the dates and appearances, little pieces of hope glimmered silently in the oddest places. The way I stumbled into my current house is truly an act of God.
I have done every single thing on my 2012 list. It wasn't easy. A lot of times I had to cry into my pillow at night. Am I screwing up my kids, should I have tried one more time, could things really change? And what I have come to conclude is this.....no. My kids are crazy, funny, healthy and HAPPY. Not just with me, but with their father. He does not parent like me. He does not do things like I think he should BUT he does the best he can. We could have tried one more time for a hundred times and nothing would change. How do I know this? Because some things are still very much the same. They just aren't my problems anymore.
The biggest regret I have from this past year is any wallowing in sorrow I may have done. My life is a reflection of my choices. I know my life could be very very different today. I am thankful for where I am. I have three connections to young children with cancer this year. I see the ups and downs and it breaks my heart. I {pray} I will never know how the families continue to not only live their lives, but excel and support and help others around them. A common thread of all three families? They all trust and have a belief in God.
Over the past year, many friends have offered support, listened, agreed and disagreed with me. Some days the brutal honestly was just what I needed to keep going. There were many parts of my life I was not happy with. But I didn't feel like I could change them. IF blah blah blah happened, I would be okay, BUT blah blah blah MUST happen first or it isn't worth my time trying anything different because it won't.matter.anyway.
Yeah.
I really thought this.
Truth is, if you are really unhappy about something, you have to change it. Even changing your own behavior when you think someone else is causing your issue. The only thing you truly have control over is you. Letting someone else suck your soul out of you everyday sounds like a terrible way to spend your life. When I removed my head from my bum, it affected people around me. Some in better ways than others. But the ones that matter are still here! Life is too short to waste it being a grumpy butt. :D
So, looking at 2013....I want to regain my runners body. It is NOT easy to do with three kiddos, but I know I can do it, because it is important to me and to them. A healthy mom is a good thing. Financially, I want to be better educated this year. I've surprised myself this year and I hope to continue to improve! In the midst of the 'd' I have fallen away from my church. My kids attend parochial school and I have tried to attend more school Masses this past year. I want to be comfortable at all Masses again.
Doesn't seem very challenging, does it? I guess we shall see!
HAPPY 2013 EVERY ONE!!!
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